Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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