Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
