I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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