He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
