I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
