Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize