I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
