The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
