one two three fourrrrnication!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize