PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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