My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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