nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
