If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
