My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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