I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I smell stomach acid.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
