Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
