Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize