You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
