i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Someone came in the potted fern
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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