hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
