haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
