ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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