the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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