I met the friendliest cop last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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