Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
