It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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