I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
