Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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