I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
