someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
