I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Michael Bay diarrhea
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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