i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize