I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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