My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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