She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
