Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
