you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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