i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
