ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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