i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My ass is underappreciated
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
