she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
