Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize