Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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