Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You can't special order awesome
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
