1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
