Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
