Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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