The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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