i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
