Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
