Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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