I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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