then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
