plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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