I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
