hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
