so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
